i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
