I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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