so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
