Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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