i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
should my penis look like a turkey
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
