I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
