i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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