I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
