if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
