He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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