I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
