I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
