Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
