Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
