After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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