I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
