Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
