TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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