I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
