happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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