I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
