I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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