guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize