Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Randomize
