sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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