I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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