When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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