The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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