You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
