I need to stop coming to work sober
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
3 2 1 whiskey
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
how does that bad decision feel?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
