We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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