Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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