Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
