I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
