ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
