I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
