So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
