Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my phone needs a breathalizer
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
