I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
