The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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