where am i from again
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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