I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
