a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
