Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
