it was like fucking gandolphs beard
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
