we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
