u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Someone stole a lamp last night.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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