my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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