Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
