don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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