ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
