Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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