Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
i now understand why vodka
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
