Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
