I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
