DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
