Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
